cooldudebro:

it takes 26 muscles to smile and 62 to frown and thats why my face is fucking ripped and it will kick your ass

4 hours ago  +  30,028 notes  ( source, via )
tagged as:  #awesome text posts

voidwish:

i’m in bed and was wondering where my cat is so i was all “oh I’ll just text him” and opened the messages app before i realized what i was doing

2 days ago  +  28,995 notes  ( source, via )
tagged as:  #awesome text posts

sigornthenn:

sweetmetaphors:

it is time.

soon the era of pumpkin will fall and the northern winds whisper

peppermint everything

3 days ago  +  313,329 notes  ( source, via )
tagged as:  #god  #awesome text posts  #winter

sammiey:

sammiey:

my doctor told me to eat more taco bell

well actually he said “less mcdonalds” but i’m pretty sure i know what he meant

4 days ago  +  297,778 notes  ( source, via )
tagged as:  #awesome text posts

orelpuppington:

isn’t it funny how people say ‘grilled cheese’ instead of ‘grilled cheese sandwich’? you could be talking about an actual piece of grilled che

i stopped typing because i realized that this is the single most worthless post ever conceived 

4 days ago  +  80,991 notes  ( source, via )
tagged as:  #awesome text posts

ectoplasmicinterloper:

back when i was a bee keeper my bees were really gentle and one time i scooped up a handful of them and i got rly emotional and wanted to kiss them and i essentially faceplanted myself into a palm full of bees while crying and that’s an important fact about me

5 days ago  +  71,242 notes  ( source, via )
tagged as:  #jesus  #awesome text posts  #bees

koobaxion:

Man okay when I got my wisdom teeth out it was a fucking experience. Before the surgery wasn’t too interesting but as soon as I woke up I saw the nurse next to me and was all like “hey… i think… i died… and now I’m in a parallel universe… and i gotta go back to my house and kill the me from this universe” and he was just kinda like “alright, you do that”. And then the other nurse kept going in and out of the room to get things and I thought there was like 5 of her that kept coming out of the room, and then so when she was wheeling me out in a wheelchair I was like “damn… why are there so many of you… there’s like 5 many of you” and she was just kinda like “alright, you do that”.

Anyway I got to the car and my dad was there and he was like “how ya feeling son” in the dadliest way possible and I was like “MAN I AM PUMPED LETS GET SOME JUICE I’M STARVED” so we drove about 3 blocks to a jamba juice, whereupon I say “I’m good I can do this” and run/drunkstumble 30 feet to the door. I burst in the door like a viking returning from some fucking battle and holler “WHATS UP FUCKS” to everyone in the store, which was thankfully just the 2 people behind the counter, who looked probably as scared/confused as a jamba juice employee could look.

So anyway, as my dad explained the situation I looked up at the jamba juice menu and was utterly fucking lost in it. Like I swear I was looking at this menu board for a year, deciphering this Rosetta stone of fruits. I distinctly remember that I was looking at each item in a smoothie, thinking of how it tasted, then moving on to the next thing and thinking of how that tasted, and how they would taste together. Since most smoothies had 3 or 4 items, this took some thinking. So my dad sees me in this extreme brain blast state of mind and says “hey are you going to order or what”. Keep in mind I’m on the first fucking smoothie on the list here. So I just say “shush man I’m trying to do fruit science”, and then when I realized that this process could take literal years, I just said “yeah give me a smooth regular” which for the uninitiated, isn’t actually a real thing on any menu. Oh, also I asked them if the “boosted” smoothies would give me super powers and then pointed my fingers at them and made “lightning noises”.

So my dad just orders me the first thing on the menu and I go to sit down and stare out the window or some shit and my thoroughly amused dad just looks at me and says “how ya feelin?”. Now at this time I was feeling a lot of things, but most noticeable to me was the gauze in my mouth, so I just look at him and say “there’s these fuckin… tiny sheep in my head” which at the time was the best way I had to convey this feeling. Anyway about that time, the jamba juice guy brings us our drinks and he gives me a small thing of mario kart stickers and I swear I almost cried from the tsunami of emotion that gift made me feel (I still have them).

Anyway the rest of the story is we drove home and I explained this programming project I was working on to my dad in perfect detail somehow and then I came home and went on facebook and posted a comment on my friends status (because I couldn’t find the status update bar) that read: “i just took a lort of painkillers and yelled at everyone in a jambo juice”

5 days ago  +  20,180 notes  ( source, via )
tagged as:  #i'm laughing so hard oh my god  #wisdom teeth  #awesome text posts  #ugly laughing  #give me a smooth regular  #oh my god i'm crying

nostalgiaultra:

Gary’s Sex Tips #1002

If she calls out her ex boyfriend’s name in bed go to his house and kiss him. See what the dick about! See what all the fuss is about!

1 week ago  +  68,958 notes  ( source, via )
tagged as:  #awesome text posts

cooldudebro:

is this blog stupid? yes. but which one of us is following it?

1 week ago  +  90,401 notes  ( source, via )
tagged as:  #lmao  #awesome text posts  #tumblr

fantasticcatadventures:

"ma’am we asked for your resume…this is just a bunch of pages of cat pictures stapled together with glitter glued on them" 

1 week ago  +  1,978 notes  ( source, via )
tagged as:  #awesome text posts