Thank you for showing me how to use the internet. You’ve been very helpful in getting me accustomed to modern culture. There is one thing that I feel strains our relationship however. Precisely, your inability to see me as a sexual object who would like to strip you out of your armor and fuck you on every available surface, including, but not limited to; Fury’s desk, Coulson’s desk, Bruce’s desk, every car you own, Asgard and any possible dimensions we might be thrown into.
To help accomplish this goal, and to assuage your guilt at “corrupting” an American icon, here is a list of people I have slept with. Edited for family members (sorry your dad was a fox).
1. Bucky (how could you not have guessed that?)
3-18ish. Not more than 20 but no less than 10 fellow soldiers (it was wartime okay)
19. One of your dad’s research assistants (I like them smart)
20-25. Aforementioned exclusion
26. A French lady
27. The French lady’s friend
28. The French lady’s gentleman friend
29. Family exclusion again.
30-38. Star Spangled Singers
41-???. Bucky + Peggy
Please consider my request and get back to me ASAP.
The First Avenger
I think you hit Send All.
Bruce (please don’t do it on my desk)
Please remember to put a tie, sock or other identifying mark when you and Tony are engaging in private activities.
Natasha (unless you’re into voyeurism in which case, hit Clint up)
Natasha! That was told in the privacy of a drunken stupor. Cap - GET IT! But legit look me up if you’re aiming for triple digits.
I hate every single one of you.
Captain of the Americas,
Your list is impressive but have you ever slept with a G-d? Loki
How the hell did Loki get on this email chain?
It is I, Thor, who is responsible. I regularly send my brother interesting cat videos and music mashups that he will find amusing. I thought the email could provide the same sort of bonding in judgement that the place of tumbling does.
Tony taught me that xoxo was the proper salutation for electronic communication. Does it not mean ‘death to your enemies’?
Speaking of Tony, has anyone seen what his response was?
I got a visual on both Iron Man and Captain America’s position. Let’s just say you going to need some strong disinfectant Bruce.
Jim/Bones, ~3,000 words, with all the love and thanks in the world to amazonpoodle for the wonderful beta. Here, have an excerpt:
Leo packs them up, his hurts, his heart, locks them all behind a door he leaves charred and scarred in warning. He heads for the hills, and when they’re not far enough he gathers his courage and reaches like hell for the stars. Theirs is a danger he’s lived his whole life fearing, sure, but Leo’s not so young as he once was. Leo’s not so young as to let naivety eat at him like a cancer, blinding him to the glaringly obvious: that there’s danger enough, heartbreak to spare, wherever he goddamn goes.
I’m giggling so much wejksl;fdaklfj
THIS WAS SO HEARTWARMING AND DELIGHTFUL THANK YOU SO MUCH RITU
Read “The Other Hawke”
it’s a journey of self discovery
a self discovery wherein you realize that Carver is actually not a giant dick but is pretty much all of my feelings about being overshadowed by a sibling and subsequently now one of my favorite characters
no but srsly, this is a really cool story. The second part of the story is also pretty great— hell, I’d probably read it if it DIDN’T have gay shit going on in the background, and that’s saying something for me.
“He misses his twin. It’s like losing a leg and an arm and an eye, and Garrett sighs over Bethany from time to time but Carver wakes up every morning with no-one to listen to his dreams, and goes to bed every night with no-one to whisper to in the dark. Bethany was afraid of the dark. She was afraid of the Fade, of demons, of becoming an abomination. She needed Carver to keep the demons at bay, and he would reach across the space between their beds to twine his fingers with hers and listen to her breathing slow and deepen, and then he could sleep too, knowing they were both safe.
But now there’s just Garrett, who doesn’t need Carver at all.”
okay y’all i’m only three chapters into this thing and i already absolutely adore it. it’s funny, it’s heartbreaking, it’s a great character study of carver with a generous side helping of fenris. so basically if you like things that are awesome, read the other hawke
Imagine your OTP reading the fanfics you wrote and looking at the art you drew and making fun of them. Person B laughs so hard they cry.
that time EDI found allianceofourown.org and shared her findings with the crew. for research.
‘I’m a say-what-now on Omega?’ James asks.
‘Pole dancer,’ Steve replies. ‘It scans. Jimmy Vega: Pole dancer from Omega. You know, if Aria’s smart, she’ll cash in on that.’
‘Already has,’ Garrus adds, on his way through the shuttle bay.
‘Hardly accurate,’ Garrus says, shaking his head with a sigh. ‘If the calibrations were really naughty, I wouldn’t sound nearly so…what was the rating again?’
‘M for Mature, no Alliance Archive warnings apply,’ EDI replies. ‘There are others that are rated X for Xeno if you are interested in sampling a broader selection of literature.’
‘Do they think I’m handsome?’ Garrus asks.
‘The handsomest,’ EDI says, and transfers the files.
‘And here I thought shipping had to do with actual ships,’ Shepard says. ‘What’s that phrase you were using… ‘Thruster’ or something?’
‘Canon,’ EDI replies. ‘I picked this one out specifically for you, Commander Shepard. Seventy-eight chapters, several thousand approval ratings, over two hundred thousand words total. An ‘alternate universe’ focusing on the relationship between a hardened merc named John Shepard and his closest friend in the galaxy, Garrus Vakarian.’
‘I’ll, uh, be in my cabin,’ Shepard says. ‘Gotta catch up on my reading.’
‘Three thousand and how many entries about my backside?’ Kaidan asks.
‘Three thousand and sixty-one as of oh-nine-hundred,’ EDI replies. ‘They are generally quite favorable, though there is some disagreement about the proper spelling of your first name.’
‘Yeah,’ Kaidan says. ‘I get that a lot, actually.’
Some of EDI’s favorite pieces were written by a user known simply as L3G10N. EDI leaves them all positive reviews.
This is a wonderful rare pairing. Shepard-Commander and the rogue synthetic give me many ‘feels.’ I only wish there could be more about them in the future.
Humans especially appear to be fascinated by the sexual potential of any being with tentacles. When EDI asks Samantha Traynor why that is, her blush is truly the color of a dewy rose petal.
‘Jeff,’ EDI says, ‘I believe I am capable of understanding contextually, but I wish to be certain of the meaning nonetheless: what is a member, and why is it at its most attractive state while pulsing?’
A few near-crashes keep the crew lively and entertained.
‘So,’ Jeff says. ‘Wonders of the extranet finally caught up with you, huh? And this is what we’re fighting to save.’
He admits later—during multiple pulse attempts, after offering a dramatic reading punctuated by vibrant laughter—that he’s read a few of them himself already, ‘Now Thane and Shepard,’ he says, shaking his head, hair messy from the cap. ‘Seriously—meant to be or made for each other.’
They have the same ship and the same ships.
EDI is satisfied.
yes I had to make an entire post just for Shakarian (I have a problem. no I’m not doing anything about it.) I’ve organized them as best as I could, and to keep it concise, each section is no longer than 20 items.
OH YEAH I will only rec FINISHED fics for this section
this is a link for kendra and ritu who frequently read fic for fandoms they are not precisely in
fenris/lady mage hawke, belligerent sexual tension, magical shenanigans, hair kink, and everything i have ever wanted in a fic
Is there a DaveJohn fic in which John decides to trick Dave into thinking he is messaging Rose and accidentally finds out Dave is in love with him and trying to figure out how to deal with it and is asking Rose for advice because he is losing his mind over here
and John is just completely sideswiped by this because whoa they’re just bros how do I deal with this new knowledge?
I would very much like this.
not quite but